Pain & Loss
If you knew me well at all you would know that I do not mask my feelings well. I am pretty much a “wear them on your sleeve” kind of a person. So it has been with great difficulty that I have had to learn to mask my true feelings when the boys tell me about their past. More and more recently one or all of them will randomly begin to tell me about some of the abuse they suffered in Haiti. While all of it breaks my heart some of it is worse than others. When they point to a particular scar on their brother and tell me how he cried when he got it, I want to fall apart too. But I can’t. I need to remain calm and comforting to them. By far one of THE hardest tasks I have ever had to do. I want to cry in sadness and scream in anger and sometimes I just want them to stop talking. One of the interesting things with having three is that they police themselves. I can pretty much tell when a story is being exaggerated because one of them will jump in and throw the storyteller under the bus. So the stories that I WISH I could chalk up to imagination and exaggeration really seem to be true. The scars are real and the stories scary. Some of them come from their time in the O and some from their time before. And yet here they are, three amazing little boys. Boys who have endured MUCH more pain and violence than you or I. Here they are, loving and willing to be loved. Beginning to really trust. Trusting enough to share with me their most difficult, painful memories. So the least I can do for them is listen. Listen and reassure these three that they are in fact memories and that they are safe now. It is not easy at all. But it causes me to be so much more grateful for all that I have had and continue to have in my lifetime. Their pain not only will shape part of who they are but it definitely will shape who I choose to be. While so many people still remark about how we have changed these guys lives I say they have changed ours much more. They have blessed me beyond measure which in turn has allowed me to love stronger and boulder in my relationships with the rest of our family. Amazing that love & trust can come out of pain & loss. God is good, all the time!
Filed under: Adoption, Reflection
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